Herring Propulsion Theories
Compound Interest on Ancestral Sins
The Carbon Ledger of Lars Pedersen
Denmark, 2027. The woodstove’s iron belly glowed crimson as Astrid Nielsen fed it another utility bill. Roskilde’s winter gnawed through her pensioner’s flat, and the state’s green electricity tariffs had long since priced her out of legitimacy. Let them fine me, she thought, watching flames consume a supermarket circular. At least wood doesn’t compound interest.
The Carbon Legacy Agency’s notice arrived the next morning, sealed with a wax emblem: an hourglass bleeding coal dust.
EU Directive 2025/1147
Ancestral Emissions Accountability Framework (Article 3)Recipient: A. Nielsen (DOB 12/05/1956)
Liability Subject: Lars Pedersen (b. 1842, d. 1901)
Activity: Coal-fired distillery operations, Roskilde (1884-1891)
Calculated Emissions: 2.3 tonnes CO2eq
Lineage Allocation (Reg. 8.1b): 0.47%
Base Liability: 10.81 kg CO2eq
Compound Interest (141 yrs @ 1.5% p.a.): 8,192 DKK
EU Taxonomy Alignment Fee: 8 DKK
TOTAL DUE: 8,200 DKK
Astrid’s knuckles whitened. Lars Pedersen—her great-great-grandfather—had died over half a century before her birth. His distillery stood where the Økologisk Bageri now sold sourdough. And yet the government decided she was now responsible for his ‘crimes’. She dialed the CLA helpline.
A synthetic voice recited: "Per Article 191(2) TFEU, the polluter-pays principle extends intergenerationally. Your contribution enables REPowerEU hydrogen infrastructure."
The Director’s Theatre
Magnus Thorsen adjusted his elk-leather gloves (exempt: "traditional Nordic craft") before stepping onto the TEDxCopenhagen stage. Behind him, a hologram of Peru’s Palcacocha glacier wept digital meltwater.
"Ladies, gentlemen, compatriots," he began, flashing teeth whiter than Danish offshore wind. "We stand on the shoulders of giants—who regrettably burned rather a lot of coal." Polite laughter. "When a brave Peruvian farmer sued Germany’s biggest energy corporation for 0.47% of glacial flood costs, he gifted us jurisprudential calculus. Not punitive, no! Actuarial ethics!"
He gestured as infographics bloomed:
A 19th-century steam engine dissolving into CLA’s logo
A pie chart showing "Ancestral Debt" funding hydrogen pipelines
"Unlike certain Member States" — a veiled jab at Germany’s collapsed wind auctions — "Denmark innovates. Via Commission Delegated Regulation 2023/414, we’ve quantified pre-1900 externalities with elegant precision."
A protester shouted: "What about Maersk’s tankers?"
Thorsen chuckled. "My dear friend, must we always engage in false binaries? This isn’t finger-pointing. It’s granular accountability." He zoomed in on a pixelated Lars Pedersen shoveling coal. "See this man? 0.0001% of 19th-century radiative forcing! Should his descendant not invest 8,200 DKK in our children’s stability?"
Offstage, his assistant flagged an email: Peruvian glaciers destabilizing 40% faster than models predicted. Thorsen deleted it.
Archives & Anachronisms
Roskilde City Archives reeked of desperation and mildew. Astrid squinted at Lars’ guild record under a flickering LED:
L. Pedersen
Occupation: Distiller (1884)
Fuel Consumed: 3.7 t Newcastle coal (Q2 1884)
CO2 Output: 2.3 t (CLA Certified Retrospective Audit)
Since when did 1884 ledgers list CO2? Astrid rubbed a smudge—the ink left coal-dust streaks. She requested the original.
The archivist sighed. "CLA digitized everything. Originals are... deprecated."
Astrid’s eyes narrowed. Between Lars’ distillery entries, she spotted it: a 1886 line for "12 barrels salt herring – Velocipede Social Club."
Velocipede. Bicycles.
CLA Regulation 7.4δ shimmered in her mind: "Pre-1900 sustenance fisheries logistics: 0.0 CLUs."
She filed Form 9-G: Reclassification Petition (B-3: Herring-Adjacent Subsistence Activity).
The Furnace and the Fraud
That night, Astrid fed CLA’s rejection letter to her stove. "Activity G-7: Recreational Logistics. Exemption denied."
Flames refused to touch it.
The paper curled mockingly in the heat, CLA’s seal glowing indestructible. Only when she speared it with her iron poker did it finally blacken.
On TV, Magnus toasted with Maersk’s CEO at a "Sustainable Maritime Futures" gala. "We’re pioneers," he declared, "like Herr Pedersen! Minus the carbon profligacy, natürlich."
Astrid stared at the poker’s red-hot tip.
Outside, Denmark’s half-built hydrogen pipeline gleamed under construction lights—a €4 billion scar across Zealand.
The First Ember
At the Roskilde Archives, Astrid requested Lars’ herring transport license. The clerk blinked. "That was digitized last week. CLA’s new Historical Emissions Verification Unit took the original."
"Took it where?"
"Directive 2025/1147 Annex II allows immediate confiscation for... taxonomic recalibration."
Astrid walked home past the Økologisk Bageri. The scent of burning birch filled her nostrils.
In her pocket: a thermal photo of Magnus Thorsen’s townhouse, leaked by KlimaRetfærdighed.nu.
28°C heat signature. Illegal gas boiler. Estimated annual emissions: 3.2 tonnes CO2.
She placed it on her stove.
It caught fire instantly.
The Caloric Calculus Revolt
Astrid’s fingers trembled as she pinned Lars’ herring ledger entry to CLA Form 17-δ:
"Petition for Reclassification: B-3 Subsistence Logistics (Per Regulation 7.4δ)."
The Roskilde CLA office reeked of bergamot air-freshener and existential dread. A drone-delivered rejection arrived before she left:
"Activity classified G-7 (Recreational Logistics). Liability upheld. Non-appealable per Delegated Regulation 2024/669."
Astrid noticed the ink smelled faintly of oil.
That night, hunched over EU Taxonomy for Sustainable Activities printouts, she made her breakthrough:
CLA exempted bicycle clubs (F-1: "Zero-Emission Social Mobility")
Lars delivered herring to cyclists
Herring = calories = pedal energy
Ergo: 0.47% of delivery enabled emissions-free transport!
She filed an "Appeal for Proportional F-1 Exemption Based on Caloric Propulsion." The clerk snorted. "Next you’ll claim his farts powered windmills."
Thorsen’ Double-Helix of Hypocrisy
Magnus Thorsen swirled Norwegian mineral water (exempt: "geologically sequestered H₂O") at the Carbon Accountability Gala. Behind him, a hologram displayed Article 17 of the European Climate Law: "Member States shall ensure a just transition..."
"Just!" he toasted Maersk’s CEO. "Like our new Maritime Heritage Exemption. Those 1890s tankers? Merely vectors of caloric redistribution."
He signed Directive CLA/09/MHE:
"Pre-1900 seaborne transport of nutrients (Code H-5) incurs 0.0 CLUs. (See: Delegated Regulation 2023/414 Annex XI)."
Maersk’s lawyers handed him a titanium pen filled with North Sea crude. "For your granular accountability, Director."
As cameras flashed, Magnus’ phone buzzed:
KLIMARET: Astrid Nielsen’s "Herring Pedal Defense" viral. 40K shares.
He ordered champagne. "Let the archives eat her alive."
The Michelin-Starred Mercenary
Three days later, CLA’s Legal Directorate received Expert Witness Submission #4472-B:
Affidavit of Chef Søren Vestergaard (3 Michelin Stars)
Subject: Caloric Conversion Efficiency of Salted Herring (1886)
"Based on proximate analysis, 100g Baltic herring = 890 kJ. Victorian cyclists achieved 25% metabolic efficiency. Thus, 12 barrels = 4.2 million pedal-revolutions. Equivalent to 0.63 tonnes CO2 displacement via avoided horse-transport."
Magnus exploded. "Since when do chefs testify?"
"Regulation 2024/669 Annex III," murmured his aide. "Culinary historians qualify as emissions lifecycle experts."
Astrid watched Chef Vestergaard hold court outside the tribunal, flambéing herring on a bicycle-powered grill. "CLA calls this recreation?" he shouted. "I call it pre-industrial decarbonization!"
Protesters arrived on high-wheel penny-farthings, waving smoked fish:
OUR ANCESTORS ATE HERRING
YOUR ALGORITHMS EAT PENSION
The Biogas Uprising
As Thorsen fast-tracked Astrid’s case to the European Carbon Accountability Tribunal (ECAT), Jutland exploded.
CLA’s "Voluntary Pre-Industrial Atonement Lottery" had diverted €300M from wind subsidies to biogas digesters. Farmers learned their "winnings" required surrendering crop waste to CLA contractors.
They marched on the Aalborg digester with pitchforks and 19th-century manure spreaders. Police doused them in liquid compost (CLA Regulation 2.9: "Crowd control must demonstrate circularity").
Astrid arrived with Chef Vestergaard’s protest kitchen. "They tax Lars’ herring," she yelled, shoveling coals into her stove, "while stealing your barley!"
A biogas pipe ruptured, spraying slurry. Magnus appeared on hologram above the chaos:
"Per EU Directive 2025/1147, this facility offsets legacy emissions! Would you deny Peru’s glaciers justice?"
A farmer hurled a turnip through his holographic head. "Show us your ancestral ledger, coward!"
The Ghost in the Ledger
That night, Astrid found oil stains on her appeal documents.
She tracked CLA’s "Historical Emissions Verification Unit" to a fortified warehouse near Esbjerg. Through fencing, she saw workers loading original parish records into industrial shredders.
A guard spotted her. "Annex II confiscation! Move along!"
Astrid froze. Near the shredder, she glimpsed a ledger page:
K. Thorsen (1861): Anthracite Broker - 800 tonnes
Magnus’ ancestor.
As she fled, coal dust stung her eyes. For hours after, her fingertips left black smudges on everything she touched.
The Poker and the Pact
Roskilde’s archives burned down that night.
CLA blamed "eco-terrorists." Astrid knew better—she’d seen the shredders.
She stood before Lars Pedersen’s distillery site, now the Økologisk Bageri. The scent of sourdough mingled with phantom coal smoke. In her bag:
The oil-stained rejection
Her great-great-grandfather’s guild medal
The iron poker from her stove
A KlimaRetfærdighed.nu activist messaged:
Thermal scan: Thorsen’s boiler STILL at 28°C. Emissions: 3.2t/yr.
ECAT hearing in 48 hrs. Bring fire.
Astrid bought a herring sandwich. "For the calories," she told the baker. "I have pedaling to do."
Tribunal of Thermodynamic Justice
The European Carbon Accountability Tribunal chamber reeked of over-extracted espresso and decaying principles. Presiding Judge Borislav (ex-PetroBalkan counsel) adjusted his green, 100% recycles robe. Astrid clutched Lars Pedersen’s guild medal – its bronze edge digging into her palm like ancestral judgment. Magnus Thorsen arrived late, trailing bergamot and petroleum musk, elk gloves swapped for North Sea crude-dyed suede.
Chef Vestergaard rolled his bicycle grill into the witness stand. "Honorable Court," he declared, searing herring over pedal-powered flames, "I present empirical caloric causality!"
CLA’s lawyer sneered. "This farce violates Delegated Regulation 2024/669 Annex V!"
"Annex V," Vestergaard shot back, "explicitly permits demonstrative nutrient-to-energy conversion in liability proceedings!" He slid a herring fillet onto the judge’s bench.
Magnus raised a titanium pen. "Motion to dismiss under Article 17 Climate Law: frivolous gastronomical theatrics."
Astrid stood, voice cracking. "Your laws built this theater, Director."
The Ghost in the Machine
As Magnus cited RWE’s 0.47% precedent, Astrid projected evidence onto the glacier-hologram:
Thermal Scan #447: Magnus’ townhouse glowing at 28°C.
CLA Exemption File #001: "Kristian Thorsen (1861): Anthracite Broker. CLU Liability: 0.0 (Maritime Heritage Exemption)."
Shredded Ledger Fragment: K. Thorsen - 800t Welsh coal sold.
The chamber gasped. Magnus’ crude-dyed collar darkened with sweat. "Irrelevant! CLA Directive 2025/1147 Annex II permits archival optimization—"
Astrid threw Lars Pedersen’s guild medal onto his desk. It left a coal-dust star on the polished oak. "My ancestor paid with his lungs. Yours paid you in exemptions."
Borislav sighed. "Per Regulation 2024/669, personal conduct is inadmissible for—"
The hologram glacier cracked. Palcacocha’s face sheared off in real-time, flooding the projection with pixelated water.
The Poker and the Ledger
Magnus lunged for Astrid’s documents. "You sabotage justice!" She swung her tote bag—the iron poker clanged against his titanium pen.
"This is justice?" Astrid spat, forcing him toward the bicycle grill. "Taxing frozen teachers for dead men’s coal?"
"Someone must fund the transition!" Magnus rasped, pen screeching against iron.
"Then bill yourself!" She shoved him against the herring-smeared bench. "3.2 tonnes a year! Where’s your 0.47%?"
Astrid snatched the CLA Exemption File. Magnus grabbed her poker. For three seconds, they froze—ancestral guilt versus bureaucratic impunity.
Then Astrid thrust File #001 into Chef Vestergaard’s grill. North Sea-cured suede caught fire first.
Epilogue: Ashes and Algorithms
One year later
Astrid Nielsen tends the Roskilde Archives’ new woodstove—fueled by shredded CLA documents. Her 1 DKK "guilt remittance" coin hangs above it, melted and hammered into a solar thermal reflector.
On screen, Magnus Thorsen cuts the ribbon at PetroBalkan’s Saul Luciano Lliuya Memorial Carbon Sequestration Rig in Peru.
"True accountability," he declares, "requires systemic—"
A methane flare erupts behind him, igniting his Norwegian-hemp suit. Engineers scramble as glacier runoff floods the site.
Astrid smiles, stoking the fire with Maersk’s "Maritime Heritage Exemption" decree.
Her last CLA notice hangs framed:
FINAL ASSESSMENT: A. NIELSEN
ANCESTRAL LIABILITY: 8,192 DKK (VOID)
MODERN LIABILITY: 1 DKK (PAID)
SYSTEMIC FAILURE SURCHARGE: 0.47% OF HOPE
Outside, teenagers skateboard over repurposed hydrogen pipes. Chef Vestergaard serves herring flambé from his bicycle bistro. The air smells of birch smoke and possibility.
In Lima, Magnus watches his rig sink into Andean mud. A notification pings:
EU CARBON LEGACY AGENCY (IN LIQUIDATION)
LIABILITY REASSESSMENT: K. THORSEN (1861)
BASE EMISSIONS: 800 TONNES CO2eq
COMPOUND INTEREST (162 YRS): €4.7 BILLION
PAYABLE IMMEDIATELY.
He drops his crude-oil pen into the floodwaters. It sinks like a tiny anchor.
Thank you!
This story was generated using DeepSeek R1, inspired by this news article. (~90% AI)
Prompt: Use [news] for interesting story concepts, which all revolve around "causation" and "responsibility", some serious, some very much absurd.Prompt: Let’s write out story concept 5 in three parts. The story will take place in Denmark. Make it realistic, but don't use actual Danish institutions if the story could use different European sounding bureaucratic entities. Everything must be plausible. However, the reasoning our characters and entities employ must be highly absurd (reasonable on the surface, but unreasonable when you think about it). Use a somewhat intellectual tone, but also ground the story public opinion and current events. Nonstandard ideas and long, detailed paragraphs are aprreciated. Write part [1,2,3] of 3.Prompt: As a literary expert, analyze each part of the story. If this a gripping and humorous piece of fiction? Give actionable advice to fully rewrite each part in order to make it even smarter.(…)
Three Universal Fixes for All Parts
Embrace Danish-Specific Absurdity:
CLA agents wear Elk leather gloves (exempt “heritage craft”) while seizing bikes.
Ancestors as Ghosts:
Have Lars Pedersen’s ledger stain Astrid’s hands with herring brine. Magnus sees coal dust on his cuffs. Guilt as tactile haunting.
Subvert Climate Jargon:
CLA’s rejection letters cite “negative caloric equity” or “temporal emissions liquidity crises.” Weaponize real terminology.
Conclusion: Why This Rewrite Excels
Your story already masterfully uses:
Legal Absurdity: Bureaucracy as nightmare logic
Environmental Irony: Green policies accelerating harm
Human Scale: Astrid’s struggle against algorithmic cruelty
The rewrites inject:
Visceral Stakes (fire, brine, crumbling glaciers)
Deeper Character Motivations (Magnus’ shame, Astrid’s transformation)
Symbolic Payoffs (solar panel from melted coin)
Result: A satire that doesn’t just mock – it ignites.
Prompt: Let's do all of that. Let's also seamlessly blend in a few references to actual EU legislation, for increased realism. The idea of liability for ancestral carbon footprint is great, but needs to be explained a little more to our audience; maybe by adding more EU-style executive grandstanding by the Director? Make him glib and obnoxious on an intellectual level. Make Astrid a real human figure who does her best in her own, flawed ways, yet ends up choosibng violence in part 3. Rewrite part [1,2,3] from the ground up.